Yes, this blog is a rough fieldguide to a bright life. The majority of content you’ll find here is sunshine and rainbows, fun projects and yummy recipes, but life isn’t always like that.
"In every life you have some trouble, but when you worry, you make it double. Don't worry, be happy." Bobby McFarrin
Friday night my Honeybee said he felt weird, then keeled over. He fainted a total of three times. It all happened in a few breaths’ time and, thankfully, our roommates were home and were able to help Matt while I got changed and ready to take him to the hospital. We didn’t go, though, because he bounced back so quickly. It was as if he overheated (he was wearing pajama pants, a long sleeve shirt and a thick robe) and recovered well with rest and water. Since then he’s been okay, though, you guys. He’s overdue for a check-up and will be rectifying that Monday, which is good.
After all that, he fell to sleep relatively quickly and I watched him until about 2am when I fell asleep and dreamt of watching him sleep. Since then I’ve been experiencing fear in a way I never have before. At any given time my senses cloud over, dull, my heart pounds and I can see, in my mind’s eye, my love failing to recognize me, falling from my grasp, bouncing lifeless on the floor.
It is the worst.
In an emergency, I’m logical and quick but after the immediate danger is gone I’m lost in a sea of what if and what next. It’s entirely blinding and unreasonable. I say unreasonable because even if Matt is okay for now eventually everyone dies and that THAT is one (impossible) thing, but it’s another thing to watch. To see the light flicker from their eyes. I feel like I got a taste of what will happen more and more for the rest of our lives and me no like.
Here’s the thing, anxiety is different for everyone and you have the ultimate say in what feels right for you but here are some things that’ve helped me in the past few days:
- Release that shit. We have a journal that was given to us as a wedding gift by our friend, Rebecca. I haven’t used it as much as I’d liked to’ve, but putting it down in words took weight off my heart. This helps my logical side because I know that fear, that feeling is accurately recorded somewhere, so I don’t have to think about it. I don’t need to replay those images.
- Keep releasing. I took a shower and while listening to my playlist, Don’t Worry, Be Happy came on and I had the best, ugliest cry of my life. It’s a classic for reason, both the song and the act of crying. And it’s okay to cry. Sometimes I forget that or just forget to give myself time to process things.
- Appreciate quality. This one is broad for a reason. It can mean anything from appreciating the beauty of the day around you (rainy or sunny, both are beautiful) to noticing some minutia within your day-to-day that’s been there all along. Physically look around you. What do you see? Whatever it is, it’s beautiful. Even ugly is beautiful. Does that make sense? For example, looking around my room right now, there’s a tray of dirty dishes waiting to be done and I’m sitting on this bed that’s not very comfortable and moves around and just generally sucks. But those dishes were from meals shared with love (and they look cute, too). We hate this bed, but it’s just a stopgap measure until we make one that’s perfect for us. And, in that way, this shitty bed is the promise of a future I can see in my mind’s eye instead of my love falling away from me.
- When all else fails, and I’m feeling the lowest of the low I look for something I can control. You can’t control what life throws at you, but you can control yourself, your body, using different ways to reset. Meditation helps for me, on a physical level and mental level because I focus on breathing so I’m extra calm while also getting extra oxygen to my brain-meat, but I’d like to think gardening and crafting work, too. It could also mean taking the opportunity to make personal changes that might lead to a better outcome.
- Watch Bob Ross. I’m not even kidding a little bit. Especially the one-hour specials where he really gets a chance to speak with you. I could get my whole life in a Bob Ross special, I’m seriously. Yes, I’m seriously.
It can’t all be gold, y’all, and it’s almost odd to share on the internet, I guess, sort of, but not really because I think it would be inauthentic to only tell one side of our life story. If anything, I’m lucky to have had such a positive disposition all my life. 29 years without anxiety is good. And if you have any go-to mediations or methods for calming down, leave in the comments below. Thanks for having some real talk with me.
Credits: Text, Brianna Wray. Image, Pexels.