Life:

The Beginning of the End

Ahoy!

I’m here on the first day of my last quarter of this chapter of higher education. Queue nostalgia. This is it, the ramping of the preeminence of the going of the big time. It is, as they say, on like Donkey Kong.

Sometimes I find myself holding back due to limited resources or energy. I’ll build up an idea so huge I’m already too tired to do it justice.

The good thing about this bad habit is it’s easy to identify. Of course, correcting it will be easier said than done. But! When the issue is you don’t do, then the solution is do-do.

Wait.

You’ll just have to see what I mean.

In the meantime, I’ll be running the Instagram account for the Student Voice Project. Quick, follow so you don’t miss a thing!

Sunshine

Life:, Real Talk

Real Talk 01: Conquering Anxiety

Yes, this blog is a rough fieldguide to a bright life. The majority of content you’ll find here is sunshine and rainbows, fun projects and yummy recipes, but life isn’t always like that.

"In every life you have some trouble, but when you worry, you make it double. Don't worry, be happy." Bobby McFarrin

Friday night my Honeybee said he felt weird, then keeled over. He fainted a total of three times. It all happened in a few breaths’ time and, thankfully, our roommates were home and were able to help Matt while I got changed and ready to take him to the hospital. We didn’t go, though, because he bounced back so quickly. It was as if he overheated (he was wearing pajama pants, a long sleeve shirt and a thick robe) and recovered well with rest and water. Since then he’s been okay, though, you guys. He’s overdue for a check-up and will be rectifying that Monday, which is good.

After all that, he fell to sleep relatively quickly and I watched him until about 2am when I fell asleep and dreamt of watching him sleep. Since then I’ve been experiencing fear in a way I never have before. At any given time my senses cloud over, dull, my heart pounds and I can see, in my mind’s eye, my love failing to recognize me, falling from my grasp, bouncing lifeless on the floor.

It is the worst.

In an emergency, I’m logical and quick but after the immediate danger is gone I’m lost in a sea of what if and what next. It’s entirely blinding and unreasonable. I say unreasonable because even if Matt is okay for now eventually everyone dies and that THAT is one (impossible) thing, but it’s another thing to watch. To see the light flicker from their eyes. I feel like I got a taste of what will happen more and more for the rest of our lives and me no like.

Here’s the thing, anxiety is different for everyone and you have the ultimate say in what feels right for you but here are some things that’ve helped me in the past few days:

  1. Release that shit. We have a journal that was given to us as a wedding gift by our friend, Rebecca. I haven’t used it as much as I’d liked to’ve, but putting it down in words took weight off my heart. This helps my logical side because I know that fear, that feeling is accurately recorded somewhere, so I don’t have to think about it. I don’t need to replay those images.
  2. Keep releasing. I took a shower and while listening to my playlist, Don’t Worry, Be Happy came on and I had the best, ugliest cry of my life. It’s a classic for reason, both the song and the act of crying. And it’s okay to cry. Sometimes I forget that or just forget to give myself time to process things.
  3. Appreciate quality. This one is broad for a reason. It can mean anything from appreciating the beauty of the day around you (rainy or sunny, both are beautiful) to noticing some minutia within your day-to-day that’s been there all along. Physically look around you. What do you see? Whatever it is, it’s beautiful. Even ugly is beautiful. Does that make sense? For example, looking around my room right now, there’s a tray of dirty dishes waiting to be done and I’m sitting on this bed that’s not very comfortable and moves around and just generally sucks. But those dishes were from meals shared with love (and they look cute, too). We hate this bed, but it’s just a stopgap measure until we make one that’s perfect for us. And, in that way, this shitty bed is the promise of a future I can see in my mind’s eye instead of my love falling away from me.
  4. When all else fails, and I’m feeling the lowest of the low I look for something I can control. You can’t control what life throws at you, but you can control yourself, your body, using different ways to reset. Meditation helps for me, on a physical level and mental level because I focus on breathing so I’m extra calm while also getting extra oxygen to my brain-meat, but I’d like to think gardening and crafting work, too. It could also mean taking the opportunity to make personal changes that might lead to a better outcome.
  5. Watch Bob Ross. I’m not even kidding a little bit. Especially the one-hour specials where he really gets a chance to speak with you. I could get my whole life in a Bob Ross special, I’m seriously. Yes, I’m seriously.

It can’t all be gold, y’all, and it’s almost odd to share on the internet, I guess, sort of, but not really because I think it would be inauthentic to only tell one side of our life story. If anything, I’m lucky to have had such a positive disposition all my life. 29 years without anxiety is good. And if you have any go-to mediations or methods for calming down, leave in the comments below. Thanks for having some real talk with me.

Brianna Wray Signature

Credits: Text, Brianna Wray. Image, Pexels.

Life:, Photography:

Midnight Moon & Sweet Husbands

Did anyone else catch that spectacular full moon the other day? Well, night. It was so much bigger than my camera really shows, and I knew photographs wouldn’t do it justice going in. Still, I ran—not walked— to get my trusty Nikon. Ooh la la.

The next night Honeybee brought home my favorite flowers. star-gazer lilies. They look so tropical and smell so good I basically get ten degrees warmer just looking at ’em. I asked why and he said, “for taking such good care of me.”

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Little did that sweet, sweet husband know that this wife-woman would cause the incident. What is the incident, you ask? Oh, nothing, Continue reading

Life:

Had to Get Away

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Hello loves!

Apologies for the radio silence round these parts. Honeybee and I had ourselves a lovely time visiting family in Walla Walla. While I catch up on photo editing and whatnot, enjoy this preview of my upcoming style post. I’ve wanted to document the KEXP wall for ages. It’s iconic and soon to be moved to Seattle Center. Let’s enjoy it while it lasts, eh?

Xo,
Sunshine

Life:

Romancing Oneself

If the upswing in the amount of school shootings recently has taught me anything it’s this: everybody’s got shit. We all have something tugging at us, be it passively or aggressively. Aggressive stressors would be things like  instinctual food/shelter/familial needs that affect us and sometimes define us in the eyes of others. But passive needs are there, too, existing and eventually demanding an audience. Something like routine maintenance for the soul, if there were such a thing. Everybody’s got shit.

And I’m not saying my shit is any more or less important than anyone else’s, or that my means of tackling my shit is any better than any other. In the words of the immortal Chris Tucker, “I do what I can do when I can do it.”

My method of managing stress is romancing my…self. I’m not talking about passing out in the tub masturbating or anything. Although, hey, if you’re into that. do your thang. When I say romancing oneself I mean taking the time to slow down, breathe and assess. To sit, ponder and postulate. This is important because absolutely any time shit ain’t right in my life, it’s due to a lack in having done so. Sometimes this romance involves having someone else do our manicure and pedicure for a change. Other times it’s a long soak with one of these Lush Karma bubble bars. Or  a massage. Those are fun when you can splurge, but what’s most important is the time spent in thought.

All that said, I went to Carkeek Park today all on me onsies. My thoughts went like this:

Oh, yes, this is pretty. Oh, gorgeous. I love this time of year. Okay, I’ve got to descend these stairs and cross the beach to that really cool driftwood tree root because that’s the spot.

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By the way, Pacific Northwest, this is not sand. This is a mini field of foot death. Also, ouch. I am not wearing the most appropriate shoes.

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Oh, yes. The water. The water at the shore laps and plays just as it always has in accordance with gravity and astronomy and other assorted sciences you may or may not fully understand. Because there’s always more to learn.

Those waters remind me that in some ways I’m struggling against the current in ways that should change. Or, I guess, could change to facilitate a better life. Other things are up in the air just now. I’m on the hunt for a new roommate for the main floor of our house. I’m anxiously patiently awaiting a letter from the University of Washington as to whether or not I’m worthy of their scholarly teachings. I’m looking for a new stream of income. Every job has its pros and cons, and I’ve come to a point where it’s not evening out anymore. It’s time to move on. I’m on the cusp of so much change and it is so comforting that water is the same. I’d like my new (income) stream to involve more creativity and less packaging tape. I’d like a lot of things. The buddha says that desire is the cause of all great strife. I’m not necessarily a buddhist, but I pick up what buddha’s putting down.

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I meditate on the idea of becoming a tree when I grow up.